How to make room for remembrance without giving every relative a reserved seat at your altar.
October arrives, and suddenly everyone online is arranging photographs, baking ancestral recipes, and describing their grandmother as a source of infinite wisdom. Meanwhile, you’re wondering whether yours would interrupt the ritual to comment on your weight (I can easily name AT LEAST one of my ancestors who would do that exactly…).
Ancestor work can sound lovely until the suggested guest list looks suspiciously like the family gathering you’ve spent years avoiding. If that’s your situation, you don’t need to invent a nicer family history to participate.
For this Samhain, I’m offering an approach to remembrance that leaves you in charge of who and what you welcome. Whether you understand ancestor work as spiritual connection, symbolic reflection, or a mixture of both, your practice can acknowledge where you came from without requiring you to celebrate everyone involved.
You Can Remember Someone Honestly
Death doesn’t turn a difficult person into a saint, although family conversations sometimes suggest an impressive posthumous public relations department. You might miss someone’s laugh while remembering how cruel they could be. You might cherish a recipe and want nothing to do with the person who taught it to you. Those feelings can exist together.
Before choosing photographs or offerings, ask yourself what you actually want to remember. A person? A place? A skill? The women who somehow kept everybody fed? Write one sentence: “This year, I want to make space for…” Be specific enough that your ritual has a purpose beyond doing what October Instagram has instructed.
You can also decide what stays outside it. Perhaps you won’t display a particular photograph, repeat a family prayer, or contact an estranged relative. Write that down privately if it helps. Remembrance doesn’t oblige you to reopen a relationship, and placing flowers beside a photograph doesn’t require a declaration of forgiveness. The flowers have enough responsibilities already.
Choose What You Want to Carry Forward
If named relatives feel too complicated, start with something ordinary you value: a familiar song, a handmade blanket, a food you associate with being cared for. You can make a remembrance space around that object without turning it into a shrine to an entire family. Keep the explanation simple: “I’m remembering the care I received through this.”
You might also choose to remember a deceased friend, mentor, or member of your chosen family. Different traditions understand ancestry differently; here, the invitation is to create a personal practice of remembrance. You can name the people who helped you become yourself without pretending they occupy the same role in every spiritual tradition.
Try a small writing exercise alongside your chosen object. Divide a page into “What I’m keeping” and “What ends with me.” Perhaps you’re keeping your grandfather’s love of growing things while refusing the rule that nobody discusses difficult feelings. Choose one ordinary action to support that decision this week. Plant something. Answer a question honestly. Family patterns rarely change because we bought particularly dramatic incense, so just use what you have… unless you are in need of an excuse to go shopping, in which case more power to you! ;)
A Small Ritual Without the Family Reunion
Set aside five quiet minutes. Place your chosen object beside a lamp or battery candle, and have a drink nearby. You don’t need to buy anything, dress ceremonially, or discover what your great-great-grandmother thought about quartz.
Read your sentence about what you’re remembering. Spend a moment with one memory, or simply notice the object. Then say something that feels true: “I’m grateful for this part of my history,” or “I can acknowledge you without welcoming everything you did.” Silence is an option too. You’re allowed to have a ritual without delivering a WHOLE TED Talk to the dead.
Finish deliberately. Put the object away or leave it somewhere comfortable, switch off the light, and return to your evening. If the exercise feels upsetting, stop; continuing isn’t a test of commitment. Next time, you can choose a different memory, shorten the practice, or skip it altogether.
For further reading, Honoring Your Ancestors by Mallorie Vaudoise explores ancestor veneration and practical altar work. Samhain: Rituals, Recipes & Lore for Halloween by Diana Rajchel offers a wider seasonal guide. Read their descriptions and samples to see which approach fits your beliefs.
My Samhain When You’re Out of Spoons makes room for grief, complicated histories, living losses, and rituals you can manage with limited energy. Also, Your Samhain Kit: Rituals, Reflection, and Renewal by a Mental Health Therapist is another excellent idea if you are feeling heavy during this season. Find it through SoniaMRompoti.com, where you can also join my newsletter. Bring the history you actually have. We can work with that.
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