Sonia M. Rompoti, MSc, bsc

Divorce is difficult for any family, but when one parent chooses not to be involved, the emotional toll on a child can be profound. In these cases, children often feel abandoned, confused, and may internalize the absence as a reflection of their worth.

This article provides actionable advice on how to guide children through these emotions, create a stable environment, and use age-appropriate language to explain the situation.

Understanding the Impact of Abandonment on Children

Children facing an absent parent after divorce often struggle with unique challenges, including:

• Feelings of Rejection: A child may feel they weren’t “enough” for the absent parent to stay, which can severely impact their self-worth.
• Anger and Confusion: The lack of clarity often leads to frustration. Many children feel anger at both parents, even the present one.
• Sense of Guilt: Some children believe they caused the absence by “not being good enough” or due to specific behaviors.

Tip: Start by observing and validating any emotions your child expresses. Allow them to feel angry, sad, or disappointed without trying to “fix” their feelings right away.

How to Explain the Absence of a Parent – Age-Specific Advice

Toddlers (Ages 2-4)

• Explanation: Keep it simple. Toddlers won’t understand complex explanations, so be straightforward. For example:
  • “Mommy/Daddy had to go away for now, but I’m here, and I love you very much.”
• Reassurance: Emphasize that they’re safe and loved. Children at this age crave stability, so reinforce daily routines.

Young Children (Ages 5-8)

• Explanation: Children at this age need more clarity. Try saying:
  • “Mommy/Daddy is not going to be around to live with us or be a part of our daily life. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, but sometimes adults have trouble keeping up with responsibilities.”
• Reassurance: Let them know that they didn’t cause the absence and that your love is constant. For example:
  • “This is not your fault. I will always be here for you.”

Pre-Teens (Ages 9-12)

• Explanation: Older children often ask, “Why did they leave?” Avoid blame but provide some honest perspective:
  • “Sometimes adults make choices that are hard to understand. Your mom/dad decided not to stay involved right now, but it has nothing to do with you.”
• Encouragement to Express Feelings: Pre-teens may internalize the absence or feel ashamed, so encourage open communication.
  • “If you feel hurt or angry, it’s okay to talk to me about it. You don’t have to face this alone.”

Teens (Ages 13+)

• Explanation: Teenagers often want a deeper, more realistic understanding:
  • “Adults can make poor choices or may not feel ready for responsibilities. Your mom/dad chose not to be involved, and that is entirely their decision. It’s not a reflection of you or your value.”
• Acknowledgment of Their Complex Emotions: Teens may feel resentment or betrayal, so validate these feelings.
  • “I know this is painful and unfair. Let’s talk about ways to help you feel supported and loved.”

Key Tip for All Ages: Always assure the child that they are loved and valued. Consistently reiterate that their worth is not defined by the absent parent’s choices.

Building Emotional Resilience and Stability

• Consistent Routines: Children, especially those experiencing loss, thrive on predictability. Establish daily routines that reinforce stability, such as shared meals, bedtime rituals, or weekend activities.
• Create a Safe Space for Expression: Encourage your child to share their feelings through art, journaling, or even physical activity.
  • For Younger Children: Try “feelings games” where they can point to colors or faces that represent their emotions.
  • For Older Children and Teens: Suggest expressive outlets like a private journal or drawing. Let them know that all feelings are valid.

Reinforcing Their Sense of Self-Worth

• Affirming Statements: Regularly remind your child that they are loved unconditionally. For example:
  • “You are important to me, and I will always be here for you.”
• Focus on Their Strengths: Help them build confidence by encouraging activities where they excel and reminding them of their unique qualities.
  • “I’m so proud of how kind you are” or “You’re amazing at helping others.”
• Avoid Blaming Language: Refrain from discussing the absent parent negatively, as this can create feelings of shame or resentment in the child.

How to Handle Difficult Questions and Situations

• When They Ask, “Why don’t they want me?”:
  • For younger children: “Sometimes adults have trouble understanding how to be responsible, and it’s about them, not you.”
  • For older children or teens: “The decision is their own, but it’s not because of you or anything you’ve done.”
• If the Child Blames Themselves:
  • Respond with validation: “It’s completely normal to feel like that, but remember that this is not your fault. You’re lovable and wonderful, just as you are.”

Creating a Supportive Network

• Positive Role Models: Surround your child with supportive adults, like grandparents, aunts, uncles, or family friends. Their involvement can reinforce stability and provide additional sources of encouragement.
• Engaging in Community: Involve your child in activities like sports, arts, or clubs where they can form bonds and build resilience.

Recognizing When to Seek Professional Help

If your child shows signs of prolonged sadness, aggression, or withdrawal, it may be time to consult a professional. Therapy can help children work through feelings of abandonment and build coping skills.

• Behavioral Signs to Watch For:
  • Changes in eating or sleeping habits
  • Persistent sadness or anger
  • Decline in academic performance
  • Avoiding social interactions

Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or play therapy can provide healthy outlets and coping mechanisms.

Empowering Yourself and Your Child to Move Forward

Navigating a child’s journey through abandonment and loss is challenging, but your presence and commitment make a difference. Remember that you’re not alone, and there are resources and support networks available.

“You have the strength to create a safe and loving world for your child—one that affirms their worth and resilience.”